This little article on Marketwatch has led me to a plan that I believe could be the savior of IRA's and other retirement accounts across the nation.
In case you don't feel like clicking on the article I will summarize it for you: Heinz (yeah the Ketchup company) has been doing awfully well despite the economic crisis and it in the opinion of CFO Art Winkleblack (That's his real name....honest) it is due to the fact that many of Heinz's products are inexpensive comfort foods.
I think old Arty is 100% correct.
When I find my personal shit hitting the fan I love nothing more than seeking solace in a big plate of meatloaf and mashed potatoes awash in a sea of Heinz Beef Flavored Gravy. I know what you're thinking.....yes I would normally make the gravy myself but when Big C is really hurting he cuts a few corners. That's just the way Big C copes, my bitches.
Enough of the Big C shit.....Jesus that was a little embarrassing.
There is no reason to think millions of other fat-assed Americans don't find solace in hot meat and liquid fat just like I do. Shit....Arty Winkleblack even said they do!
So...on to the meat and potatoes of my plan. Get it? Meat and potatoes? LOL!
The heart of the plan is using this revelation to guide the total re-allocation of my retirement assets into a broad spectrum of warm and comforting food company stocks and commodities futures like pork bellies, lean hogs, and live cattle.
From there I plan to start hoarding frozen turkeys and looking into cornering the market on crock pots.
I will avoid large and diversified industrial food producers like Con Agra and concentrate on only the companies that have been mathematically determined to offer the highest levels of down home goodness. The Down Home Goodness Formula must remain secret for now.
American desperation and subsequent compulsive eating will ensure continued growth and a healthy return on my investments. Shit, the uptick in Kraft Macaroni and Cheese sales may just buoy the Dow all by itself.
I also heard a rumor that there is some rich dude who can only cure his depression by doing cannonballs into a pool full of Heinz 57 sauce.
Let's pray this becomes a fad.
Come see me at Thanksgiving and I'll make you a nice deal on a Butterball.
1 day ago
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