I've got more spice than the Frugal Gourmet.

Jeff Smith is probably responsible for teaching me more about food than any other television chef. In the days before Food TV and assorted other cable television cooking shows, PBS was the place to go to feed your food instruction jones and The Frugal Gourmet was always my favorite way to do it. While the show's raison d'etre was teaching about other cultures through the use of food, The Frug always came through with the basic technical instruction and essential knowledge needed to be a good cook. He's the reason I cringe every time I see Rachel Ray drag her knife sideways on her cutting board and his voice is the one I hear when someone in my family says "Hot pan, cold oil, food won't stick". He could cook circles around just about any of the doucheballs on Food TV right now and I would put his store of knowledge up against any and all of them. Even Alton Brown.....sure the guy knows food science like nobody's business, but he fails to bring anything near the joy to his cooking that Jeff Smith did.

Unfortunately, the guy's career ended in disgrace when he was accused of sexual assault by a former employee and then about 7 others joined the first accuser in suing him. He settled out of court and never admitted any wrong doing, but the damage was done and he left the air forever soon afterward. In my humble opinion, he got jobbed. The first Michael Jackson case showed people that accusing public figures of sexual crimes could make you a boatload of money and I have no doubt in my mind that Jeff Smith was a victim of both the times and some unscrupulous assholes who sought to enrich themselves by destroying his good name. It's a shame and 10 years later it still pisses me off that such a nice man died in disgrace.

On the brighter side, his cookbooks are still available, still selling like hotcakes, and they make GREAT GIFTS for the bloggers in your family.

Hint hint.

I'm Bringing Sexy Back....

...and when I say "Sexy" I mean "Mork Suspenders".

What the hell ever happened to the utter joy of expressing yourself through the use of trouser suspension technology? What ever happened to our ability to learn all there is to know about a person simply by looking at their suspenders and the assorted paraphernalia buttoned or sewn onto them? One glance at Mork and you knew that he was a fun loving dude from outer space who loved rainbows, white gloves, and doing cocaine until your nose falls off.

Nanu Nanu, motherfucker.



Unfortunately, if you were to take a look at Mork today, your only conclusion would be that he is just some gay guy who works at TGI Fridays. I suppose this information would be helpful if it were true, but what do we learn about Mork as an individual?? I'll tell you what we learn....not a god damned thing.

Thanks to the corporate cancer that has turned America's chain restaurants into the kinds of places that put grill marks on cheesecake, fun suspenders and cool buttons are now nothing more than the uniform of despair. This was so aptly illustrated in the famous "Pieces of Flair" bit from the movie Office Space. Yes it was hilarious. Sadly, it was also true.


I realize that by causing you to contemplate these facts I have sent you into a deep depression. Your longing for the innocent days of the early 80's when rainbow suspenders were fun and cool threatens to crush your very soul. I apologize for that.... but fear not!

I am going to change everything.

I have a plan that will right this wrong and give fun suspenders with cool shit stuck all over them back to the people.

When I am done, you will hardly be able to resist going to the store, getting those suspenders, and adorning them with all the things that make you you.

Buttons buttons buttons!

Maybe you'd like a button with the name of your favorite musical group or sports team?

Perhaps a pink unicorn jumping over a river of cotton candy?

Maybe even a picture of a tripped out March Hare that says "Keep On Truckin'"?

Whatever.....you can have any button your little heart desires and you will once again be able to make a statement with your awesome suspenders that lets the people you meet know what a special kind of person you truly are.

Happy days will indeed be here again.

That reminds me....remember when Mork was on Happy Days? Great episode.


So anyway...big things are on the horizon


I admit that the plan is in the early stages of development and right now it is little more than the idea that I will wear these suspenders and try not to get my ass kicked, but when I am done it will truly be something to behold.

As will you with your neat new suspenders.

Crusoe

This show has become my newest guilty pleasure. I am sure I am not alone in my love of the "Stranded on a desert island" story. I have been a fan ever since I read Robinson Crusoe as a kid and I think the initial success of the show Survivor proves this fact. I have always wondered how I would fare if left to my own devices on a tropical island capable of sustaining a hardy adventurer. Of course, in the book, Robinson worked for years to build his island fortress and recreate some of the creature comforts of home using what little he could salvage from his wrecked ship. On the show, it seems the ship blew apart in a storm, flew through the air, and landed in a tree in the form of the Westin Kalawani Hills Hawaiian Tree House Resort ( I made that up). Before Robin and his pal Friday moved in, MacGyver paid a visit to the tree house and rigged up just about every contraption he could think of to make The Rob-Man's home more comfortable and defensible. It's pretty sweet......every show begins with the boys lounging in their hammocks discussing philosophy, religion, or Olde England, and just waiting around for something to happen. Fortunately for the viewer, something invariably does. Most weeks the adventure involves mutineers who have camped on the island, Spanish soldiers, or on really special shows, the cannibal tribe from whose treacherous clutches Robin saved Friday. These cannibal dudes are my favorite characters on the show. Ably portrayed by what look like members of the horror metal band GWAR the cannibals never cease to provide a few laughs as they snort and scream their way through 40 some minutes of suitable for TV action. No actual flesh has been eaten, thanks to Rob and Fri. At least not yet.

If you have never seen the show and have not picked up on what I am hinting at here, I'll spell it out for you: The show is bad. Incredibly horribly bad. It is the most contrived and clunky piece of tripe a major network has foisted upon us in years.



Guess what though.....IT'S STILL GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!!!!!

I grew up watching CHiPs and The Love Boat, dude.

Shit TV is in my blood, man and Crusoe is just the shit I need right now.

No long story arcs, no intense and compelling dialog, no flawed but loveable characters.

Nothing but production values and a problem that is solved by show's end.


That's how TV used to be and I'm glad there's something like this still around.



It will probably be canceled any minute now.

It's getting hard not to talk politics...

Many years ago I made a pact with myself to never discuss politics with anyone.

Friends, acquaintances, strangers, the guy who pumps my gas, yo momma...no political talk with any of them.

This wasn't always the case.

I used to engage in heated arguments with just about anyone who wanted to mix it up, and many a night of back road drinking (an Orange County phenomenon) was spent wrangling with my Republican friends over a case of Rolling Rock.

This ended one night when my buddy Eric Kent brought his college roommate along on one of our excursions and he proved himself to be one of the wisest young people I have ever met.

In the middle of the usual yammering he asked a question I will never forget: "Why do you guys even bother with this? You're never going to change the other person's mind."

My initial reaction was to inform him that he was wrong and that ,with a carefully thought out argument, it was indeed possible to swing your opponent around to your way of thinking, but I almost immediately decided that I was the one who was incorrect.


You really aren't ever going to bring the other person over to your side. Of course people do change their views over time, but it is almost never due to one conversation or debate. It might be possible to influence a fence sitter or two, but I found from that point on that attacking an entrenched opponent rarely resulted in a productive outcome of any sort.

I realize that there are people that love to debate and take pleasure in scoring points whenever they can, but for some reason I have always been committed to showing the other person that they were wrong, that I was right, and securing an admission of that fact. Of course this never happens.


Could be that I am a shitty debater, and I very well might be, but it has been much better for my psyche and my soul to let others engage in the political chit chat while I concern myself with more pressing matters.

I am content to accept that different people see the issues in different ways and it is best to let that lie.


This worked quite well until I discovered the Times Herald Record's news forums and started exposing myself (yeah, poor choice of words) to some of the most ignorant people I have ever encountered.


Now I have been all over the Internet and I have seen all kinds of shenanigans, but for some reason I find the fact that these people live near me makes their behavior and views even more unsettling.


These forums have long been a place for the local malcontents to gather, spread rumors, bash local officials, and complain about high taxes, but Election 2008 has pushed things in a new direction.

I admit to taking a few shots when stories concerning my neighborhood have run in the paper and I can never resist jumping in when the facts are misrepresented by The Record's woefully incompetent Goshen beat reporter, but the presidential election seems to have brought out a new brand of crank that has begun stirring up old feelings.


Feelings that compel me to point out the errors in their thinking, show them how wrong they are, and convince them that perhaps putting a gun to their temple and ending it all might be the best solution for everyone.

Of course my favorite potential targets are the ones least likely to listen to my brand of reason so I have managed to resist so far, but it's becoming a bit of a struggle.

My ire could be directed at both the right and the left, but the variety of idiot most likely to break me down is the right wing nutjob who loves to repeatedly post how "stupid liberals" just don't get it while making numerous spelling and grammatical errors. You can find this type of character on pretty much any political blog these days, but the local headcases seem to be out in force on the THR site. The local morons also love to justify their own racism with references to Jeremiah Wright. Pathetic.


THESE MOTHERFUCKERS NEED A STERN TALKING TO!!!!!

Grrrrrr.......must......resist......




Of course it could be that nearly constant exposure to news media (thank you BlackBerry) has over sensitized me and I feel the need to lash out in the forum most available to me, but that's another post.


For now I am staying out of it....one week to go.

A Sound Investment Strategy For Troubled Times

This little article on Marketwatch has led me to a plan that I believe could be the savior of IRA's and other retirement accounts across the nation.

In case you don't feel like clicking on the article I will summarize it for you: Heinz (yeah the Ketchup company) has been doing awfully well despite the economic crisis and it in the opinion of CFO Art Winkleblack (That's his real name....honest) it is due to the fact that many of Heinz's products are inexpensive comfort foods.

I think old Arty is 100% correct.

When I find my personal shit hitting the fan I love nothing more than seeking solace in a big plate of meatloaf and mashed potatoes awash in a sea of Heinz Beef Flavored Gravy. I know what you're thinking.....yes I would normally make the gravy myself but when Big C is really hurting he cuts a few corners. That's just the way Big C copes, my bitches.



Enough of the Big C shit.....Jesus that was a little embarrassing.

There is no reason to think millions of other fat-assed Americans don't find solace in hot meat and liquid fat just like I do. Shit....Arty Winkleblack even said they do!







So...on to the meat and potatoes of my plan. Get it? Meat and potatoes? LOL!




The heart of the plan is using this revelation to guide the total re-allocation of my retirement assets into a broad spectrum of warm and comforting food company stocks and commodities futures like pork bellies, lean hogs, and live cattle.


From there I plan to start hoarding frozen turkeys and looking into cornering the market on crock pots.

I will avoid large and diversified industrial food producers like Con Agra and concentrate on only the companies that have been mathematically determined to offer the highest levels of down home goodness. The Down Home Goodness Formula must remain secret for now.


American desperation and subsequent compulsive eating will ensure continued growth and a healthy return on my investments. Shit, the uptick in Kraft Macaroni and Cheese sales may just buoy the Dow all by itself.

I also heard a rumor that there is some rich dude who can only cure his depression by doing cannonballs into a pool full of Heinz 57 sauce.

Let's pray this becomes a fad.






Come see me at Thanksgiving and I'll make you a nice deal on a Butterball.

Just got back from Corolla, NC.

This was the view from our back porch every evening.

Too bad we don't own a tripod. There are 5 or 6 shots that would have turned out better than this if I could have only held the camera still.

Shucks.

"Rice and Vermicelli mixture"

Yeah, that's what it used to say on the Rice-a-Roni box.

Seems to me like it should have been called Rice-a-Celli. Well...maybe not...that shit doesn't flow.

I just ate some of this stuff the other night (beef flavor) and Goddammit do I ever love it.

Always have.

With all the negative publicity and health warnings surrounding convenient dried crap like Rice-a-Roni I find myself eating much less of the old beef flavored ambrosia then I used to. This is probably a good thing because I have no doubt in my mind that it was just this kind of delicious over processed starchy shit that gave me a mild case of The Sweet Blood.

Damn you, Giant Industrial Food Conglomerates.....damn you to hell!


Plowing down a nice sized helping of the stuff got me thinking though.

I've spent a good deal of time in San Francisco.

I lived there 6 months and have been back on several occasions and not once during that time did I ever see a plate of Rice-a-Roni or even hear the name of the product spoken.

Never.

There I was in what Television led me to believe was Rice-a-Roni's birthplace (Heaven, if you will) and I was not getting my fair share of Domenico (a.k.a. Charlie) DeDomenico's wonderful creation.

This was perplexing indeed.

Perplexing until the other night when I had an epiphany.


Yes Rice-a-Roni has been inextricably tied to San Francisco, but this association is not without conditions.


You see.....this stuff is the San Francisco Treat.


You gotta earn it, baby!


At no time during any of my stays in The Bay Area did I perform deeds or actions virtuous enough to earn myself a mouth watering plate of rice and macaroni steamed in chicken soup mix.

I just didn't get it.


I do now.


You had better believe that the next time I visit San Fran, I will be on my best behavior.

I'm going to be tossing bums five dollar bills, helping old ladies cross the street, giving blood every day, fighting crime, saying please and thank you, and just generally being an all around good guy. No......make that excellent guy.


I am going to make it fucking impossible for those smug-ass side dish withholding San Francisco mother rapers to deny me my fair share of delicious carbs. They'll probably be inviting me into their homes for big steaming piles of the stuff. They might even be so impressed they'll bust out the new Fried Rice Flavor for me to try.


Oh yeah.....I have their number now.

The Rice and Vermicelli mixture is so mine.






I could also just pick up a box at Hannaford's too. I might do that instead.